


i don't remember losing anything (but i think i've lost it all)

by vivthepinkninja



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: : ), Angst, Blood, Character Death, Character Study, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Not Really Character Death, Other, then. yeah, until the end
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-20
Updated: 2019-04-27
Packaged: 2020-01-22 22:50:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18537079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vivthepinkninja/pseuds/vivthepinkninja
Summary: Four times Magnus and his loved ones cheated death, and the one time death won.See, even when your memories have been stolen, you can't shake the instincts that grief brings.





	1. Chapter 1

“Am I going to die?” Magnus wondered aloud, and it sounded hollow, as if a poor mimic of him said it from just behind him. 

He was having a hard time thinking straight, of placing his own voice. He struggled, trying to figure out if it was a dream. He repeated himself, his voice catching in his throat.

“Am I going to die?”

It was an odd thing to wonder out loud, even if Magnus often spoke before he thought. He knew no one could hear him. He was alone, he had offered to stay behind. The others were safe.

‘I’ll catch up with you,’ he had said, and he had waved the rest of them away. He had it all under control, he assured. He'd believed it, too. 

Lup hadn't. She shot him a worried look, a tight smile. 

‘You better,’ she replied. 

Usually, Lup Taaco would make a person promise her they'd be back safe. Pinky swears and everything. 

Even Lup knew he wasn't going to be able to keep this promise.

It would make sense, being the first to die. The IPRE mission was only meant to go on for two months, and it had already gone on for so much longer. And, he was the security for the mission. It was right to go out like this, fighting. Trying to save another world. Rushing in.

Lup and Taako and Barry had the Light. They were going to make it back, safe. This world was safe. That wasn’t such a bad cause to die for. 

His ribcage hurt. He didn't want to survey his own injuries, didn't want to think about what came next, but his head and eyelids and body-- it all felt so heavy. He leaned against a tree, sliding down the the lush forest floor.

He knew he wasn’t coming back from this. He coughed, and for a moment he thought he was drooling. His fingertips went up to touch his lips, and blood came away with it. Fuck. He closed his eyes. If he couldn’t see the blood, maybe he could pretend it wasn’t filling his mouth with every cough. Mm… Tasty pieces of liquified metal… in his mouth.

As much as he tried to play it off, even alone, he was tired. 

He ached. Twenty-five years of existence, and he’d managed not to beef it. That, if nothing else, was a personal record. A great accomplishment, if you asked Magnus.

He laughed to himself, and took a few more shuddering breaths. God, he was so tired. His eyes were already closed. If he just… rested for a bit. Let the darkness pull him away. No one would know. Not right away. They'd carry on with the mission, regardless. When he didn't come home, a few days later, maybe if they went back and found his body... that's the only way they'd know, truly.

He didn’t wish it upon anyone, dying alone, wondering which breath would be your last. Wondering who would have to discover you, dead. 'If I hadn’t been the first to go,' he thought, and then shook his head.

Maybe it was selfish, but at least he wouldn’t have to watch any of the others go.

He loved them. 

That was his last thought, before slipping away. 

It was dark, for a moment. 

And then, he opened his eyes again, adjusting to the light, adjusting to the turns and turbulence of the ship. 

Holy shit, he was on the ship. Was this some sort of afterlife? Purgatory? Hell, one where he was trapped on this ship, alone? He tried to think about something, anything, he could’ve done to not let him get into the Good Afterlife. There was that time in middle school, he’d punched that one kid without knowing if he really deserved it, but hey--

There were arms around him then, hugging him tightly. “Holy shit, Maggie--” That was Taako’s voice, but he could tell it was Lup who was hugging him. He caught a glimpse of Davenport, of the relief on his face, and Merle was hugging his leg now, and there was Barry, who let out a breath and shook his head, before smiling, and Lucretia, who put a hand on his shoulder, before beginning to scribble away in her notebook. 

It was a bit overwhelming.

Magnus couldn’t help but beam. 

“You beefed it!” Lup hollered, still holding him close, before pulling away, and hitting him on the arm. Hard. “What the fuck! You said you’d catch up with us!”

He laughed, shaking his head. “I, uh… caught up with you now?”

Exhausted, elated, sad-- he couldn’t quite pin the emotion down, but he had coaxed a laugh from... his team. Except that wasn’t quite right, anymore. That didn’t pin down just how strongly he felt, how fiercly he loved them, how badly he wanted to protect him. So no, not his team, but… 

His family. That’s what they were, now. And if he had lives the blow through now, he would give up every one of them to protect his family, but more importantly… he felt like it would be okay if he didn’t. If the rest of this time was spent protecting, and loving, and being with his family… 

Well, that wouldn’t be so bad, huh? 

No, not at all. 

No matter what they went through, no matter what he faced. Nothing could take them away now, not even death. 

Magnus hugged his family close, and he grinned.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucretia dies, for the first time. Magnus doesn't take it well.

The logical part of Magnus knew she’d come back. She had to. That was how the cycles worked. 

It didn’t make the whole thing any less of a punch to the stomach.

He hadn’t even heard her scream. He knew that it was dangerous, to split up. His throat was dry, guilt welling up in the hollow of his chest cavity. 

Lucretia’s body was cold, and her eyes were half open. He closed them, gathered her up in his arms, held her tight. There was blood spilling onto his shirt, tears rolling down his face, but he can’t find it in him to care. They’d never lost Lucretia before, and it ached, deep in Magnus’ chest.

He loved her, fiercely, like a younger sister. They were the youngest on the team. They had to stick together, but no, they had split up, she had insisted. It was easier to find the light, they had more ground to cover, and they were so close, and he trusted her, of course. It wasn’t her fault. But he should’ve known something was wrong. His instincts should have told him. 

He looked over her face. 

She was so young. Nineteen, when they’d left for the mission. He was only twenty, at least when they had gone, but he… It was different, holding her. She was small, and her curls had blood drying in them, and the silence where he could only hear himself breathe was unbearable.

Lucretia looked so at peace. It was almost like she was sleeping, like it was just another late night where she’d been working on her journals, like she’d fallen asleep at her desk. 

One night, when he’d gone to retrieve her for her shift on watch, he’d found her fast asleep, ink smudged on her face and hands. Admitting her own exhaustion was not a strong suit in Lucretia, he’d noticed. He had put a blanket over her, and taken her watch, because even though Lucretia had never said it, he could tell she was tired. 

After all, she spent far more nights up late, tugging at her hair, working over her notebooks, her documentation of the journey, than getting sleep. Sometimes he’d remind her to get some sleep. Sometimes he’d knock on her door, and hear her quietly laugh, and she’d call, “Yes, Magnus, I’m asleep.” And he’d laugh, too. 

He missed her so much, already. His sister. 

She’d come back, he knew that. But he still couldn’t bear the thought of losing time. Lucretia, while still close to him… they could be closer, couldn’t they? He could make more of an effort to get to know her, more of an effort to include her, more-- he could do more, he should’ve done more--

Magnus choked back sobs, but they welled up before he could stop them, and he held Lucretia closer, his tears rolling off his face. He rubbed at his eyes but, fuck, they were covered in blood, and he couldn’t breathe now. 

He held Lucretia’s body, and sobbed into her robes.

After a few hours, he finally made it back, had to fight sobs as he explained to the crew what had happened, couldn’t speak as they buried her. 

It was too quiet, that year, without the soft rustle of papers. 

He missed her sitting at the kitchen table. He would always ruffle her hair as he passed by. Oh, she thought it was so unprofessional, and she told him so, but there was still a smile that appeared on her lips as she scolded. He’d grin back, and she’d scoff, and get back to her writing. That was just how it went.

When Taako sat in her chair, Magnus absentmindedly ruffled his hair. Taako complained, loudly, clearly annoyed. All Magnus could do was give a halfhearted apology, and try not to cry. 

He knew that’d she’d be back, even if she was the only one who hadn’t died. It wouldn’t make sense for her not to come back. Lucretia would come back. Lucretia would be back. Instead of worrying about whether or not she would come back, he tried to worry about the things she would come back to.

For instance, he knew that she’d be so upset that she’d missed months of chronicling. So he took it upon himself, most nights (once he’d finished his shifts on watch; he’d offered to tak Lucretia’s as well), to slip into Lucretia’s room. He wasn’t great at journaling, he knew that. His handwriting was messy, and despite the fact he tried not to take up too much space, he found himself taking up a few pages with just simple details. He figured it was better than nothing. 

Some days, when he couldn’t figure out what else to write, but he didn’t was to go to bed, he’d read back some. The beach year, and the cycle when they were in Puppytown, those were his favorite to read over. 

Sometimes, he’d leave little sticky notes in the pages. Surprises for later. ‘Why isn’t there more stuff about you?’ he wrote, one night. ‘Seems like a plot hole. You gotta be remembered as well as the rest of us, Luce.’

When Lucretia got back, she barely had time to breathe. He was the first to reach her, crashing into her and hugging her tightly. He guessed that hugging her tighter might suppress the tears in his eyes. He was wrong. She laughed, breathy.

“You're going to crush her, Magnus,” Davenport chided, but he was smiling, too. Everyone was. Lucretia let her crew greet her, let them hug her, hell, she even smiled. She seemed slightly uncomfortable, but pleased that she had been missed.

She even let the twins make their traditional ‘Welcome Back From the Dead’ feast. She was quiet at dinner, and it was rare to see her without her journal in her lap, but she seemed to enjoy herself before closing herself up on her room to catch up.

This new world they were in was gorgeous, full of color and light and birdsong. Magnus became easily infatuated with it, the weight of being without a member of his family off his shoulders. He let himself breathe easier. 

Magnus was on watch. Or, well, he was supposed to be. He was. He just… maybe was not watching for the exact thing he was supposed to be watching for. The birds, flying overhead, singing a sweet song above where he sat, that was much more exciting. Besides, he could call it science. He could report back to Barry and Lup with his… birdwatching skills. And, no one was out with him to get on his ass. 

Lucretia walked out onto the deck, and Magnus suddenly busied himself in looking at the horizon, where the Light was suspected to fall. He could hear her chuckle, though, and he laughed too. She pulled up a chair, and sat beside him, journal in hand.

“Uh, hey,” he said, and he grinned. “What’s up?”

“Figured I’d be up early for watch,” she replied. “I’ve been gone for months… I feel like I’ve got to make up time.”

They were quiet. He let his gaze drift back to the sky. She followed his example. “I appreciate you… journaling, Magnus.”

“I dunno if you can call it that,” Magnus let out a loud laugh, startling some of the birds in the nearby trees. “I mean, it is a work of art, I won’t deny… not exactly documentation, but hey, maybe. Comin’ for your brand, Luce.” 

Lucretia laughed, and it was quiet. She didn’t take her eyes off the sky. “It still means a lot to me.”

“You see the sticky notes I left?” He elbowed her, grinning, and she rolled her eyes, laughing. 

“I did not. I’ll… I’ll have to look over them later. Maybe when this whole thing is done and over, we can all sit down and reread my journals. A highlight reel, if you will,” she sounded amused, but even more so, tired. They fell into silence once more, letting the birdsong fill up the words they didn’t know how to say.

“You alright?” He asked, soft.

“Hm?” Lucretia looked over at him, confused for a moment. “Oh, yes. I’m fine.”

“Gotcha,” Magnus said, glancing back up to the stars. “But it’s okay, if you’re not, y’know, cool. With the whole dying thing. Even if we come back. It’s okay to not be… fine. If you aren’t.”  
He could only describe the look in her eyes as exhausted. As Magnus looked over her, her fingers twitched like she itched to have a pen in her hand, to write something down. 

“I can’t find the words to describe it, Magnus. It’s… scary. I’ve been able to find words for everything else in this life. They’re my greatest tool, and with death, it feels like… Like it knocked the wind out of my chest and stole my words. I can’t pin the feelings down. I died and I was scared and maybe that’s silly, since we all come back, but… I’d never… died. Before.”

Magnus nodded, slowly. He opened his mouth to speak, but Lucretia spoke again.

“Were you scared? When you died? You… You didn’t even know if you were coming back, I can’t imagine… What was it like?”

He couldn’t help but smile at her, sad. The curiosity, the need for knowledge, it shone in her eyes. She wanted to know how to put it into words. Magnus may not have been one of the strongly academic profound of the team, but he couldn’t help but wonder if they were the first to define death. If death was meant to be defined by those who went through it. 

“Fuck, yeah, I was scared,” Magnus said, laughing. He needed to fill up the space, somehow, and the laughter seemed to ease Lucretia. “I was… I dunno how to describe it. It was like… Falling asleep. But heavier? Like a weight in your chest. And, uh… it was dark? But that could’ve been because I had my eyes closed, really. And… hm. It hurt? But then it didn’t? And then I was back with you guys and… that was nice.”

He didn’t know why his eyes were back on the sky. 

“I’m sorry I left you, Lucretia,” he said, quieter. 

“Left me?” she seemed confused for a moment, before she laughed, shaking her head.

“We shouldn’t have-- I should’ve--”

“Magnus,” she objected. “It’s okay. It’s alright.”

“I know what it’s like to die, and you’re scared, and you’re all alone,” Magnus replied, the words getting caught in his throat. “And I just… didn’t want you to go through the same thing. And I’m sorry you did. And I found you, and I was carrying you back to the ship, and all I could think about was how I had left you behind, and when… when I died,” his voice was soft, now, “I didn’t know what to think. I just… wanted someone there to hold my hand. Tell me they loved me. I don’t know. I wished I was there for you, you’re-- I want to protect you all. I want you all to know I love you.”

Her hand was on his, and she squeezed it. “I love you,” she said, softly, sincerely.

The tears fell easier. 

“Also? Another thing?” Magnus’ voice was lighter, as he tried to brighten the mood. “I realize I, like, know you, but not that well? You barely write about yourself in the journals, barely share your favorite things or secret interests, or, shit! I dunno!”

Lucretia laughed at that, really, truly, laughed, throwing her head back and dissolving into giggles. “For all we know, we’re immortal,” she reminded, shaking her head. “You have the rest of forever to get to know me.”

“Unfortunate, stuck with you all forever,” Magnus joked, and earned a snort from his companion. 

“Oh, yes, dreadful.” They were quiet for a moment, their laughter trailing off, and maybe it was the look on his face, or something else, but Lucretia paused. “We don’t have to wait forever, though. If you really wish, we could start right now.”

Magnus grinned at her. “Oh shit! You’re right, hang on, let me, I gotta think up a good question.” Hurriedly, he wiped tears from his face, and looked around them, trying to think up something to ask. She was smarter than him, much smarter, but he didn’t wanna start too deep. An interview with the . “Alright, got it.”

“Hit me,” Lucretia grinned right back.

“What’s your favorite… bird?” Magnus said, wiggling his eyebrows overdramatically. “Any bird. One from our home, or any planet. You have unlimited options here, Luce.” 

She played along, tapping her fingers on her chin in mock contemplation. After a moment, she replied, “I’ve always been fond of ducks. I’m not sure why.”

Ducks! He could remember that.

And he did, up until the very last time Lucretia reread her journals. His sticky notes remained, though. Hidden away, in a different book. 

He had no way of knowing, of course, how him asking why she wasn’t a larger part of the story sparked a light in her eyes. She could rewrite it all.

For the moment, though, they just laughed.

That was all they needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much everyone who read this fic and left kudos/commented/messaged me about how much you loved it??? it makes me feel so wonderful, i'm so glad you're enjoying it! i've been waiting to post this chapter all week, i'm super pumped!

**Author's Note:**

> trying to update weekly! my tumblr is @viv1n, if you want to follow me for art/more writing! thank you for reading!


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